Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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