U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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