Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
