Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
