We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
