I'm sorry my penis didn't work
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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