My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
