I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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