i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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