good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
