someone owes me an orgasm
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize