she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
