Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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