then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
