Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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