It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
