just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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