I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
