I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
