Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
