i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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