I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize