Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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