i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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