Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
