If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Randomize
