Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
