This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
