i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
