This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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