cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
