meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
