Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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