Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
