my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
