I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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