apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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