Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
