Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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