chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
