I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
These tits shall not be calmed
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
