I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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