walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
