god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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