I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize