no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
