Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
