Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
