Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
