his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
