I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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