remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
