help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
