last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk is not a location!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
