So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
