"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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