So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
