my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
