The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
