where am i from again
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
