i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
