i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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